oh hey. its been awhile hasnt it? i know, i know, i know. i’ve just disappointed all of my avid blog readers with my lack of posts the past few months, but no worries, im back and better than ever. i came down with the flu last night and since today wasnt exactly the most productive day of my semester, i finally did everything that ive been meaning to do for awhile now, which of course meant updating this little ol thing.
to be honest, this is a post that has been on my heart for a long time that ive put off writing for a number of reasons. its been a hard few months, and instead of boring you with all the details and a woe is me story, ill just say that i’ve really been fighting with God on a few decisions that will cause my life to change pretty drastically in the next few months. but i digress. let me back up a little.
coming back from ukraine last year, i felt uneasy. i felt like i had laid it all on the line this past summer and had grown closer to the staff and the country as a whole more than i ever had. i also felt a sense of protectiveness that i had never felt before. i loved and respected the people and culture more than anything, and took any disrespect for the camp and culture as a personal attack. if its possible to feel “too protective” of something, thats where i was. and to be honest, thats probably where i still am. there are a few incidents that stick close to my heart that i still feel a pang of guilt and sadness over for either the way i reacted or the way i saw someone else react that was a complete and total disregard to the culture and camp as a whole. yes, i will probably always have my issues with certain team members or particular incidents, but i realize now that there is nothing i can do about that. i had a good summer, a rewarding and incredibly growing summer, and i left it all on the table, completely and utterly exhausted when my feet first touched the ground in America again. but as i mulled over the summer and thought about all of the highs and lows, i wasnt struck with the overwhelming feeling to call marney up the next day and tell her to book my ticket for next year, and that was incredibly different for me. God was changing my priorities and i didnt even know it.
for the first few months of being home, i just talked to my friends and interns and assured them all that i would be coming back because of course, what else do i do during the summer? the past 6 had been spent in ukraine, so that just became the easy thing to do. its easy to pack all my bags, leave my troubles in america, and head out to Ukraine where i feel like im making a difference. its easy to live with Christine and Judith and Hannah all summer and hide in each others rooms when we dont want to face the world or the team or kitchen duty. its easy to just practice russian all summer long and not have to worry about a job or my future or anything but the state of the craft room. its easy to just be the girl that goes to ukraine every summer. its not so easy to do something completely different. and as the year progressed and i prayed more and more about these feelings, i started feeling more and more like God was actually leading me away from Ukraine for the summer. apparently, i was feeling these feelings in ukraine as well, because somewhere in one of these blogs i mentioned that this might be my last year, which i had completely forgotten about until Nick and Judith both brought it up to me in later discussions. but anyways, i felt conflicted and hurt and confused and had no idea where to turn or what to do.
However, God tends to know what hes doing apparently. i started going to a church more regularly this past year, and more recently, getting involved in a Bible study. being at a small christian school, its amazing what a lack there is of good solid Christian friends and Bible studies to get involved in. A couple from my church found me one morning and brought me over to the college group and just kindve dumped me there, and now, i couldnt be more thankful. the friends ive formed in that Bible study and the relationships God has fostered there have been exactly what i needed, and exactly what i know God had planned for me this year. One night at Bible study we were going through Andy Stanley’s book “the best question ever” (which if you havent read it, i strongly recommend. it seriously will get stuck in your head forever), where he poses the question “what is the WISE thing to do, based on my past circumstances, current situation, and future hopes and dreams?”. for whatever reason, that night, i was driving home and praying and God just kept telling me “sarah, you are not going to ukraine this year. your mission field can be in America too”. and the more i thought and prayed and cried and prayed some more, the more peace i felt about NOT going to Ukraine, which was honestly something i never thought i would experience. i mean, i used to just cry thinking about waht i would ever do in america for the summer and how i would miss out on a whole summer in ukraine. how in the world was i feeling like God wanted me in america?
i prayed about it for a few more days, and the more i did, the more God revealed to me about what he wanted to do with me and my life and this summer. i couldnt just hide behind ukraine anymore. i remember going out to lunch with my roommates dad last year and him telling me “i know what your major is, but i also know what you do every summer. what are you going to do about that?”, which at the time i had no idea how to answer. however, the more i have started doing my observation hours that are required to apply to physical therapy school with, the more i have seen how much i am supposed to be pursing this career (also the fact that ive done over 50 unpaid hours mostly in a geriatric unit, and i STILL love it, should say that it definitely has to be a God thing haha). God gave me this passion and desire to help people through (hopefully, if i get into PT school) physical therapy, and i started to realize that if that was where he wanted me, i had to basically grow up and start doing things that would advance that goal. i realized how much God was shifting my priorities, how much he was shifting where i put my time into and where different relationships and passions were growing and it was an absolutely terrifying feeling. so, after a few days of weighing my options and praying and seeking advice from a few different people, i finally made the hard decision to not go back to Ukraine this year.
will there be things that i miss about ukraine? of course. i miss the people and the staff and the kids. i miss the looks on the kids faces when they first go through the gates and see all that camp has to offer them. i miss kids seeing the black sea for the first time. i miss kitchen duty (never thought id say those words) and having the opportunity to help out in a completely different way. i miss the food and the cooks and the relationships that formed this summer with them. i miss the culture and the walks to the market. i miss living with Christine and Judith and Hannah and talking in transformer language with Christine and getting sick with Judith in our moldy room. i miss sitting in our “kitchen” eating plums and debriefing the day with each other. i miss the experience, the russian language, and the feeling of ukraine being home. i miss the familiarity of all of it and seeing kids grow up over the years. i miss bedtime stories and hugs and kisses goodnight, and the long hugs goodbye at the end of the week. i miss making a fool out of myself on stage every day and silly ukrainian songs that i just never seemed to learn all the words to. i miss all of it and i know it will always hold a special place in my heart.
it wasnt an easy decision. in fact, it wasnt even my decision, it was Gods. and i think thats what made it even harder. it was a decision that i gave myself fully over to the Lord for, and one that didnt turn out like i expected. it was a decision that places me in ukraine for the summer without my family, without ukraine, and without nick. its a summer that takes everything i hold dear and comfortable in my life and takes it away, and for a long time, i was really fighting with God over that. i didnt understand why i felt like i was being abandoned in charleston for the summer, why everything had to change so suddenly. i kept saying that i knew he had it under control, but the more i thought and worried about it, the more uneasy i became. so i gave myself, and my summer completely over to God and really started to seek counsel in my church, and i really couldnt be more thankful for the blessings i have recieved through that. people i barely knew started offering me places to live for basically next to nothing, and my sunday school teacher, Marcy, has been on an all out job search for me through all of her different connections, which i have no idea how to thank her properly for (hopefully lots of free babysitting and a really good Christmas present next year will do the trick :) ).
ive realized over the past few weeks that maybe the point of this summer is that i have nothing to depend on but God, nothing else to hold on to and be comfortable with. A few months ago, Nick asked me if I thought I depended on our relationship more than God, and that really got me thinking about where my dependencies lie. ive become so comfortable with depending on people to make me feel better and lift me up and encourage me that i havent been going to God for that kind of assurance that can really only come from him. so this summer, Nick is off to OCS where we’ll have pretty limited communication, I wont be able to see my kids in Ukraine in person and hug them and be there for them like I want to, and I wont be living with people I hold near and dear to my heart like Christine or my parents. all of those dependencies ive built up, all of those people in my life that i have trusted more than God because i can SEE them and see what they are doing, are all going away, out of my immediate reach. its frankly quite terrifying, and id be lying if i said i was completely okay with it. but i can say for sure that i have learned more in the past few weeks having to depend on nothing but God and a heck of a lot of tearful prayers than i have in a long time. the constant assurances that God has something amazing for me this summer from certain people in my life at exactly the right moments are there for a reason, and im learning that maybe there is a plan, as much as i dont want to see it right now.
not that this is easy, not that its really getting any easier, but im learning, slowly. those that know me well know how stubborn i am, and how much i hate change. so if you know me well, keep me in your prayers, and keep me busy this summer. i know i for sure have a place to live, however, i dont have a steady job yet, so just pray that God provides something in the next couple of months that is exactly where he wants me. pray that ill be open to learn what God wants me to learn this summer, and pray that ill learn how to face all these new changes clinging on to him and nothing else. pray that ill grow and get stronger over these next few weeks and months leading up to this summer, and pray that ill find ways to heal from the pain of not being able to see those that i hold so close to my heart in ukraine this summer.
i realize that it seems like this is ending on a depressing note, and i definitely dont want that. i dont want it to seem like im dreading this summer like i was a couple of months ago. im excited to see how God is going to use me and how he is going to foster new relationships and use me in Charleston. I cant say im super excited to be doing it all on my own and emotionally deal with a lot on my plate at the same time, but thats what my church family is there for right? right.
Also, if you’ve never read Jesus Calling, go do it. right now. so worth it. It’s definitely helped me a lot this semester, and everyone ive talked to about it gets something completely different out of every single day.
so i leave with a verse that has been posted on the wall next to my bed all semester that has helped more than anything.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecution, and in difficulties. For when I am weak, I am strong.
Sarah.
something beautiful 